Feeling so stuck

So this entry is just mostly typing... just gotta piss and moan like an impotent whiner while I'm in a bit of a slump... well, not like I've been on a high, still haven't been hired at this point for anything.  Which is why I am having an energy low.


I was at an informational event last night - whole bunch of industry experts - and all I could feel was this... over... hugely oppressive weight.  I  mean - well, no I haven't gained THAT much weight since highschool... but I mean emotional and psyhological weight. 

Yeah, okay fine - so I can't fit into any of my highschool jeans nor my university jeans anymore... but that's not the point!!!


More than half the room who were "aspiring" actors ... were at least 10-15 years younger than me.  The ones who were older were already producers, directors, film-actors, etc. who were "branching out" to be VAs.


I don't know if I've ever felt so alone in my life.


In fact, now that I think of it... I really need to... find an example of someone who was LIKE me... someone who... had NOTHING to do with the arts before starting on this journey.  Nothing.


I heard about people who wanted to be other things... lawyer, doctor, vet... etc... but then decided to go into the arts ... but while they were still teenagers, or children.


So far, I haven't encountered anyone who is in my position who went and got the post-secondary degree in something NON-arts, got a 9-5 job in the NON-arts... then finally struggled away and decided to essentially do  my life over.


So now I find myself in a state of somewhat limbo. 


I understand that I'm in a freaky spot.  I'm not pulling anything in, and I'm trying everything under the sun... and I'm training, constantly, practicing constantly... but will it amount to anything? 


I've already been tossed to the wayside by one of my supposed mentors (s/he made an appointment to discuss things with me then s/he completely ghosted me until after the date(s) had passed - that just screams "I don't give a rat's arse about you, leave me alone" if nothing else) - said mentor is now acting like all is good and gold in the world - so again, obviously I'm SO unimportant that hangin' me out to dry means nothing to them, probably doesn't even remember or realize how devastating and hurtful that ghosting was/is.

So now all I can think about since that time is "Are any of the encouraging words and guidance whatnots even true?  Or am I just a money source to them... bleed me for everything I have and drop me like hot trash once I have nothing left?"


It feels that way right now. 


It's like they're all too happy to teach, talk about themselves, impart wisdom in a general sense... but when it comes to the things we *really* need help with... like contacts to get into an agency, how to and when to do a demo... actually being THERE for you to voice-coach or get concrete next steps from - they vanish like vapour.

Q: So how do I write a demo?

A: Well, ask other students who have been trying out writing


Q: So how do I know if I'm ready?

A: Get other students to coach you



Q:  Any ideas on what agency I should approach?

A: Well you have to get a good demo done first


Usually at this point the advice seems to diverge into a bazillion different directions: "You need a GOOD DEMO or else you'll be SHUNNED from getting a job... EVER" - then there's "Just get a simple home-done demo out, go to a small agency and then move up later", then there's the "Get a good, $600 demo out, but start at a small agency, then do ANOTHER demo later on so you can go to a bigger agency"


Not even starting on the whole union joining business.  Do we join a union or should we wait?  You have both the "Join immediately! for the insurance!!" but then... that means we're immediately competing for the BIG union jobs which we have an even lesser chance of getting than usual.... and no longer allowed to do the non-union jobs... which we would have a better chance at because there's... well... more.


I seriously just want to crawl into a hole and cry myself into a coma right now.  It's starting to feel, today, like I won the lottery but just found out that it's all monopoly money - but you only found it all out after you quit your job.