It's nearly 3:30 pm on a weekday.  I've chosen to sit on my duff and watch movies.  Why?  I know there are a tonne of "possible" auditions to try out... I've paid for a subscription on a voices job-search site just so I can do these auditions.  So... what am I doing?  Why am I sitting here... not having done a single audition today?


why do I feel... so... flat?  (no breast jokes, please)

Since April 16, 2017 I've been auditioning every day - and it was good - it was nerve wracking.. it was fun.  The age of internet... it means it's not like... running around to studios every day - it means locking myself in my "sound studio" every day and cranking out sound file auditions to send in... so you can imagine how many I've done per day... 2-3 hours per day solely doing auditions - and on Sundays, I do the auditions for the other, free sites I'm signed up on - like forums.


As of today, June 5, 2017, I have yet to be hired for a single gig and have only been advised of being shortlisted *once*. 


So this morning I woke up with a deep panicky, fluttering anxiety - the horrible "what if" of everything.  What if this is a massive mistake.  What if *I* am a massive mistake.  These words and feelings run in my head... they keep plaguing me... and I didn't get out of bed until 2 pm.


My routine otherwise has been to wake up, work out, walk the dogs, shower, do some auditions - and that'd be my day.


Today - today... today I thought to myself "What will happen if I just... TOOK TODAY OFF." as in... stopped worrying.  Stopped freaking out.  I can't imagine my anxiety would help my voice, my performance or my chances.  I talked to myself... and logically... my best performances, the times I had most success in class... the days when I proided the best auditions - were days when it was a PURE JOY to go into that studio and record and audition.


In truth... that's most days.


Today - just wasn't.   Honestly... I could be freaking out right now about "What if today... what if TODAY is the DAY that there was the ultimate audition that I get hired for??" - then I realize... "In the state your in... what are the chances you're actually going to give a hireable audition/performance?"


So I made a decision... I will be off today.  I need to chill.  I need to just "not do" - I felt I could probably be okay with ONE day of not dealing with setting myself up for rejection... I need the spirit of resilience to find both the joy in recording and also to be able to roll with the inevitable rejection.


Maybe I'm wrong... but I'd love to think that really ... 24 hours isn't going to ruin my "chances"  After all... right now... I'm a nobody... in that respect... I can "affod" to just hide out for a day or two.  I can only hope for the day I'm so employable that taking a day off would be "bad" - right now... well... who knows.


I need to be okay.